Toast of London

Live on chat show 'Lorraine' Toast tells a tale that could not only topple the US government but also destroy the entire world. Whilst Jane tries her best to evade the men in black, Toast is about to perform an outdoor version of 'The Scottish Play', directed by acclaimed theatrical director Peggy Plywood (Charlotte Cornwell). Treading the boards with Ray Purchase is testing enough but when Toast discovers the performance is going to be broadcast live on ITV, he is overcome with a debilitating bout of stage fright. Ed and Mrs P are on hand to help but it might take someone with a bit more gusto to shake Toast out of it.

Toast's flatmate Ed (Robert Bathurst) is dating Penvelope, a former beauty queen, and finalist from 'the really famous international beauty contest for women they used to have in the 70s'. Toast, who has been in a romantic slump, is rather excited to go on a double date with Penvelope's friend Clancy Moped, a weather girl! Toast's budding romance with Clancy is thrown into jeopardy when he and Ed are asked to judge the international beauty contest for women, now driven underground due to the rise of feminism. It all starts to look a bit dodgy when they're collected by the host, Vic Titball (Paul Whitehouse) in his mud spattered pick up truck.

Toast starts his day by falling through the stairs outside his bedroom and straight through the kitchen ceiling. Refusing to go to hospital he insists that just wearing a bandage on his head will suffice. Later, he's unimpressed to hear that his agent Jane is meeting the Mad Men star Jon Hamm (played by himself), and insists that charisma is a 'complete myth'. But when Toast meets Hamm, everything changes. It seems Hamm's charisma is far from myth and leaves Toast immune to the charms of increasingly forward actress and model Pooky Hook (Heida Reed). Things come to a head when Toast and his brother Blair have to visit their dying father (Brian Blessed) in his castle to find out who will inherit the Toast fortune.

Persuaded by Jane at the promise of a potential role as the 'British Attach' in Kevin Spacey's House of Cards, Toast takes part in a Royal Variety Performance hosted by Bob Monkhouse. Whilst Toast is trying to cope with Monkhouse's constant jokes and the strain of working with Ray Purchase yet again, Scramble Studio's Danny Bear is getting ready for a life changing operation. When it's time to go under the knife however it seems Ed's recommended 'surgeon' may cut a few corners to save a bob or two, and although Toast's legendary Sand Dance performance might go well he still doesn't have a clue what Monkhouse is on about.

Toast and Ed are tasked with collecting legendary actor, and drinker, Ormond Sacker (Timothy West) from rehab. After a number of failed attempts things begin to look up when Sacker is cast alongside Toast in West End play 'Man of Sex'. Toast meanwhile is dating Varrity Map, a doctor of drumming, and despite his ex wife Ellen bringing out an autobiography, he is determined to not be effected by her no doubt slanderous comments about him. But when Varrity's rhythm starts to grow irritating and Sacker succumbs to the booze after the opening night, Toast has to deal not only with his nemesis Ray Purchase but Ray's 'even worse' twin brother.

You know what they say, 'an actor cannot truly call himself an actor until he's performed at the Globe'. That, and never work with animals. London is having the hottest weather since weather began, Ed's Australian nephew has come to say, and the latest fad of 'Blue Spruce' furniture is spreading like wild fire. When Toast begs Jane to get him in at the Globe Theatre, he's less than impressed with the director, Daz Klondyke, who's rumoured to be the hottest thing in UK theatre. However when he's cast in Klondyke's all dog version of Twelfth Night, it's not long before Toast gets his fingers burnt as he tries to become a real actor.